Septiembre de 2001

10 SEPT 01

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CSU-Channel Islands Jewish Festival competes with CHABAD Telethon - but both were tremendous...

L'Chaim - "By ten things is the world created: by wisdom and by understanding, by reason and by strength, by rebuke and by might, by righteousness and by judgement, by loving kindness and by compassion." - TALMUD -

Jewish Humor:

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local decorator to furnish the place. When the job is finished the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten something -- to put mezuzahs on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door, except bathrooms and kitchens.

He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly; however, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out perfectly.

He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator leaves, he says, "Glad you're happy with the job, mister. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the kitchen table for you


You don't have to be Jewish to appreciate these... Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."


My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. . . They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.


"Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting." -- William Spurgeon, Murphy's Law for Shul


"Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies." -- Milton Berle


Joe Lieberman is the most charitable member of Congress. He gives his entire paycheck to Hadassah.


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying." -- Woody Allen

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"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays." -- Henny Youngman


"Don't be humble; you are not that great." -- Golda Meir


"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason


"The time is at hand when the wearing of ap rayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish." -- Jules Farber


"Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish." -- Lenny Bruce

---------------------The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Wonton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink: A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make terrible parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?"She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says," I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q- Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A- Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q- How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A - One. (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star." "How nice," says his mother. "I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Deer" and I want you to call me that from now on." "How nice," says his mother. "You should have an Indian name too, Mom," he says. "I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."


Going Straight "

After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son.

"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."

Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish?"

Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."

Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?"

The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."

Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"


Guest Comment: Debbie Kilpatrick - Resident - Oxnard

Comments: Things I try to understand. With 7 shootings in Oxnard over the last 8 months. I am trying to understand why the people of Oxnard are not upset and putting the pressure on the local elected officals and police force. You see the closes that I can come to understanding this is what I saw in Fayetteville, NC. There blacks in the city had allowed a slave selling building left to stand - any where else in the US it would of been blown up. There are people who are so beaten down that they do not fight back - even when the injustice of it is right before them. Or there are people who are so frighten of the violence and crimnals that they believe they all deserved to be killed by the local police. Where are the churches of Oxnard, where are the civic rights groups in Oxnard, and where are the people who are most effected? Blacks and hispanics should be working together, in the neighborhoods of Oxnard and trying to get heard at the meeting on Septemer 12, 2001 about what WE want OUR police force to do. There are tools out there that our police department doesn't even have to stop the mentally ill from hurting others and themselves. I am not disrespectful !- of the Oxnard police, I just want them to have the tools and training and education so they can be the best there is out there. I just believe that there are gaps in their training that the local elected officials are doing nothing about (except figuring out how to develope this city right out of it's current identiy). Citizens of Oxnard show up in such large numbers at the September 12th meeting and get OUR police force the tools and training and someone who will listen to them and help them. Since our elected officials only hear from the rich fat cats who are here to make Oxnard a new haven for the rich. We don't need expensive homes we need apartments and daycares, clinics, and schools and libraries for those who live here now.

This is a poor translation I am sure of the above letter. I used Translate with Bable Fish. Forgive me if this is hard to read. I just wanted to be sure that more people might be able to read my comments. Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

Esto es una traducción pobre que soy seguro de la carta antedicha. Utilicé traduzco con los pescados de Bable. Perdóneme si esto es duro de leer. Acabo de desear ser seguro que más gente pudo poder leer mis comentarios. Gracias por su comprensión en esta materia.

Intento de las cosas I a entender. Con 7 shootings en Oxnard durante los 8 meses pasados. Estoy intentando entender porqué la gente de Oxnard es no trastornada y que aplica la presión en los officals y el policía elegidos locales fuerza. Usted ve que se cierra que puedo venir a entender el soy lo que vi en Fayetteville, NC. Allí los negros en la ciudad habían permitido un esclavo que vendía el edificio a la izquierda para estar parados - cualesquiera donde en los E.E.U.U. de soplado para arriba. Hay la gente que se bate tan abajo de ésa que ella no lucha detrás - incluso cuando la injusticia de ella correcta antes de ella. O hay la gente que es así que asuste de la violencia y los crimnals que creen ellos merecieron todo ser matados por el policía local. Dónde están las iglesias de Oxnard, dónde son los grupos cívicos de las derechas en Oxnard, y dónde la gente se efectúa que es la mayoría? Los negros y los hispanos deben trabajar juntos, en las vecindades de Oxnard y de inten! - tar de conseguir oídos en la reunión sobre Septemer 12, 2001 sobre lo que quisiéramos que NUESTRA fuerza del policía hiciera. Hay herramientas fuera allí de eso nuestro policía que el departamento incluso no tiene que parar el mentalmente enfermo de lastimar otros y ellos mismos. No soy irrespetuoso del policía de Oxnard, apenas quisiera que él tuviera las herramientas y el entrenamiento y la educación así que pueden ser los mejores allí están hacia fuera allí. Apenas creo que hay boquetes en su entrenamiento sobre el cual los funcionarios elegidos locales no estén haciendo nada (excepto calcular fuera de cómo desarrollar la esta derecha de la ciudad fuera de él es identiy actual). Los ciudadanos de Oxnard muestran para arriba en tales números grandes en la reunión de septiembre del 12 y consiguen a NUESTRO policía la fuerza las herramientas y el entrenamiento y alguien que escuchará ellos y les ayudará. Puesto que nuestros funcionarios elegidos oyen solamente de los gatos gor! = dos ricos que están aquí hacer Oxnard New Haven para los ricos. No necesitamos hogares costosos que necesitamos apartamentos y daycares, clínicas, y escuelas y las bibliotecas para los que ahora vivan aquí.




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